Blasphemies of Insecurities

Blasphemies of Insecurities

Assalamualaikum 🙂 Howdy y’all! Yes, it’s been quite a while. So the last entry I’ve written was during World War 1… Okay.. kidding. I was busy, as usual, working. Making money. Making myself happy. Happiness does come from money. I can assure you that. So… A question. How familiar are you with this quote?

Nobody is perfect.

All of us have our own insecurities at one point in life about ourselves. Maybe two. or maybe three. All of us have our own insecurities about ourselves. Each and every one of us has our own flaws, imperfections, faults, blemishes, defects and weaknesses. Some of us concerned about our looks, height, weight, skin complexion, skin color, race, hairstyle, eyes, body shape, that gigantic-McDonalds-feet, the egg-shaped head, faith and beliefs, the way we walk, the way we talk, the way we dress.. and the list is never-ending. Ever. And these “flaws” have resulted in our insecurities about ourselves. They define us, they make the society judge us for our looks and beliefs, and because of it they somehow triumph over us and control our choices and how we react and interact in the society. Some people handle insecurities well. SOME. While some may not. For example, I have a friend who suffered from a rare skin disease which cause his skin to lose pigmentation. Ventiligo. Which if you haven’t heard about it, I suggest you ask Uncle Google. It was a white spot on his right eye and it is very hard to cure. Impossible, maybe. The one that make your skin go white and they eventually spread all over the body. So, because of that, a lot of mean, good-for-nothing kids have been calling him names. They called him The White, The Eye and I guess the most ridiculous of all, DISABLED . He’s called “Disabled” because of his skin condition! Now, what type of dog-ass person would say that?

Ahh.. right, Human.
And because of that, I guess, he’s broken. Inside. I can see the reason why he doesn’t talk much. I can see it every time he walks, every time he talks and every time I look into the pools of his sorrow soul.

You see? The society will judge. or maybe the voices in your head.

Don’t judge a book by its cover?

Say Sayonara to that son-of-a-fairy tale. I buy a book if the cover is attractive. (most of the times..) It’s part of marketing 101, people! I am not saying to forget the quote completely, but to survive and thrive in this harsh, judging-ass society, yes. You should. We should.

Ouch. That’s harsh.

I just recently saw a guy with the same skin condition. But it’s all over his palms. And I can see in his eyes that he’s embarrassed with it. You can always tell that a person is insecure about themselves when they don’t have the guts to look others in the eyes. And it just occurred to me.

What kind of NAMES have he endured throughout his life? How can he handle shaking others’ hand without feeling embarrassed if the other person refuse to?

We have a lot of very rough, lack-of-common-sense people in the society.

That’s why unsecured women wear 5-inches of make-up. The same reason people undergo changes under the knife. The exact cause of why image-concerned people don’t go out of the house. Although this is not always the case because there are also a lot of crazy people who made ridiculous changes to eventually look like a lion. or is it Cat Woman?



Perfection is what always shown on the media. perfect skin. perfect hair. perfect body. Although that is fact, but most of us, believe it or not, either you realize it or not, is forcing yourself to be one. To be perfect. This also includes me. I have my own insecurities. I was the fat kid with very severe acne problem and scars all-over-his-face in high school. I didn’t care about being fat, because I consider myself as “chubby” (and I was to make me feel good about myself so that I can continue eating) but the skin problem was (and still is) a very huge problem to me. It was not so much of a problem when I was 13, but when I reach 14, that’s when I the monsters set out. We can’t help it but to JUDGE and COMPARE ourselves with others. Some of my friends, until this very day don’t really face any skin problem. The worse might be two or three pimples every now and then, but mine are far worse.

I won’t say as if my acne was a-first-world-problem, but at that time, it was.

Since 14, because of those insecurities, I hate being photographed. Especially individual picture. I hate it so much, I may actually kill those who dare to take a picture of me at that time. Exaggerate much. There’s one time my English teacher gave us an assignment to make each class member’s biography and a picture of every pupil must be included. Then, they tried to take picture of  each and every one of us. My picture, I have to admit, was the hardest to take. My picture end up being the only one caught from behind while I was looking back. I was avoiding it the best I can. When I was 15, I can still remember when a teacher of mine, said “What’s Wrong With Your Face? Your acne is becoming worse.” To put a cherry-on-top of that story, it was in front of the whole class. The WHOLE frickin’ wtf CLASS. Then I noticed every eye on that class is maybe closing-up to my face.  On My acne, maybe.

I remembered crying at bed because of it.
I remembered hating myself because of it.

I remembered that after the end of that day, before sleep I may have ‘brutally’ washed my face with hope that the acne would go away the next day. And after that, did I get better?

No. Obviously -.-

“that is why your face got worse, Genius..”

Yeah, yeah whatever.

Because of acne, I’m afraid to ask questions to teachers directly face-to-face because close-up chat is so not working for me.

I did once, and end up the teacher looking at me like “Why is your skin like that?”

And my curiosity to learn and ask more questions died at that exact line. Along with my soul and dignity. May they rest in peace… And because of acne, I hated to be seen with my porcelain-skin brother. I don’t hate him, I just hate being seen with him. I would do my best to keep that up especially when we’re in school. Although sometimes he misunderstood it that I may be ashamed to be seen with him because of him, but an incident, my worst nightmare, finally opened up his eyes. It was after a school assembly when I was 16. I met up with my brother just to chit-chat a little, the exact time when one of my friends come up to us not to say “Hi” but to kill my soul. “You look a bit like him,” he said to Elvin while looking at me. “Except that he’s scarred more and have a lot of pimples.” There you have it. Another part of my soul flew to the after-world. And my brother, as always, gave me a pep-talk. I cried my eye balls out when a guy comment on Facebook; “…your VOLCANO-LIKE FACE..” I cried for weeks. Boohoo a guy crying because of his face…

R.I.P Dignity..

I was scared to death if I’ll be the guy with the most terrible skin in PLKN. And I was. I was scared if I’ll be the guy with the most problematic skin in the University. And I’m on that list. That’s why I’m terrified to make friends sometimes. Frightened of being judged. That “urghhh… his face is…” Rejecting myself before others rejected me. That’s why I refused to take that role. Why I refused to stand up. Why I get stressful all the time. Screaming. Shrieking. Asking. Questioning the Lord, “Why Me?” This toxic embarrassment somehow overwhelms me from actually being me. perfect Yes, that’s how insecure I was. Even now, I hate being in pictures. Although, I know I would regret it if I end up without any pictures of my memories. I hate it when the light is bright. I loathe myself every time I look at the mirror. At my laptop. At the reflection of my face on my iPhone. It’s traumatizing every single time people mention about skin products. I flinched every time I hear the word ‘skin, acne, pimple, blemish…’ I detest the skin product on television, banners and everything in between. It’s getting really annoying when someone says ; “Hey, this product is really good…” “you better stop eating…” “you should try…” “…stop worrying..” They want to help. Well, help is not needed. When I was 17 and happily eating at the canteen with friends, a teacher, who is sitting in front of me was staring at my face… “Try not eating eggs and chilies for 2, 3 months. Your skin will got better..”

Wow… that was like in front of my peeps, wtf Sir??

Yeah he wanted to help… but , still.. A lot more where that came from. But these are not my point. Then I tried to rethink and reflect on the bright things in life. The gifts in life that The Creator has provided me. A great life. Superb mom. Loving brother. Understanding and funny family. A lot of friends. Friends who care, adore and love me (if this wasn’t true, it might be me in my own bubble world, so it still count haha) Oxygen (you can’t possibly miss that one) My great personality Food, drinks, things, IPhone… Sometimes we overlook the blessings in life. Because of the things we are not happy of, every good things become invisible. We become ungrateful and lose sight on the things that’s priceless. Mass media have make it impossible to accept imperfections.

The models. Perfect skin. Perfect hair. Perfect frickin’ everything like wadda fish…

Then, I finally decided to let go. Letting go of becoming perfect, letting go of the need to get people’s approval, letting go of the society’s judgment.

And embracing myself as I am. Loving, caring, approving, forgiving, accepting, and adoring myself. And doing things that I am always good at. Being awesome!

Every time I have to present anything to the class or confront people, insecurities will magically appear as always. But that is when I say “eff you beach”. Image IS important. I’m not saying it isn’t. And yes, I am recovering from this skin problem. Although still in a bad condition, I am slowly healing. I’m grateful that Allah made me this way. Because a lot of things and insecurities that I had overcome, have made me a much better, wiser, braver person. Turn out that this is a blessing in disguise. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything else. beautiful *and I know the points and grammar is like from a terrible zombie apocalypse, well… deal with it.

“When you’re all alone by yourself, Do you like you?” – Try, Colbie Caillat

P/s : Don’t go all crazy promoting this and that after reading this.

Posted by on October 13, 2014 in Uncategorized


Tags: , , , ,

Hopes, Dreams, Triumphs, Failures, Grateful and Moving On

Hopes, Dreams, Triumphs, Failures, Grateful and Moving On

Assalamualaikum and Hello to my dear lovers.. I mean, readers –,-“

So, “ghettoly” speaking ; “How’s it hangin’ y’all ? “

Yes. This particular week has been extra, extra hard on me. Well, the results just came out. And yes.. My result suck balls. (I’m sorry for the vulgars) < that’s my inner thought speaking. And I’m truly sorry.

And now let’s get  real.

The very first question must be this;

“What did you get?”

As simple as this question may be, this is the most annoying and somehow feels like-your-heart-been-stabbed-with-a-samurai question. No kidding.

Please remember that I am referring to those with poor and bad results and thinking that it’s THE END of this harsh and cruel world. If you ever feeling alone, brothers and sisters, trust me, you aren’t.

Welcome to the hood.

I understand how you guys feel. I really do. And I’m not even saying that just because I want you guys to feel better. It’s because I was feeling down these past days. Felt like I was and am a failure. A disappointment. A loser. An outcast. A NOBODY.

But, there’s this little voice inside me that has been whispering in the middle of my sad, pathetic conscience.

I know this might sound cliché and cheeky, but I really did. It gives me the chills just thinking about it.


Yes, the whisper is as simple as that.

When the results came out, and I found out my result suck balls :, I cried. And the tears… it’s not even flood we’re talking. It’s a Tsunami! A Tsunami of Tears..

Obviously, I exaggerated that part a little. =.=”

I felt like a failed in my studies.

Failed in my life.

Although the “failed in life” seems a bit peculiar and over the top, but that is somehow what it feels like.

And it’s even annoying when people post on…

Facebook “Yeahhh.. My results are blah, blah, blah..”

Tweet “Alaaaa.. my pointer is only 3.7 bla bla bla”

Or “Yes! Accepted to something-something…”

You know, happy things about their bright and promising future.

And this left us “The Loser Ones” being quiet.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate them. In fact, I’m happy for them. (Well, that’s what I have been trying to convince myself and I am still trying to.. )

And it really feels like crap!

While friends celebrating their upcoming interviews, their 4-flat experience, their soon-to-be scholarships, and their “Yes! I got accepted to blah, blah, blah…” moments… we, on the other hand are sitting in our rooms, thinking ;

“What the hell am I going to do with my life?”

So, NOW, What should we do?

Give up? Lose Hope?

After A LOT of self-reflection and meditation, I’ve come up with these.

First of all, Accept your circumstances. Be grateful for what you got and take a note for life; “LESSONS LEARNED”


A lot of people, maybe don’t realize this, but ACCEPTING is probably the hardest step. Like ever. Even harder than organic chemistry.

How can you ACCEPT FAILURE? You feel like while everyone is ahead of their games, laughing and eatingbon-bons, you are hit way back. And now, you are left ALONE there. Accept this failure in order to move on. In a relationship, to move on, you have to, inevitably, forget that bastard. I mean, person. You just have to.

Take 100% responsibility on your situations. Not blaming others, but yourself. Then, forgive yourself.

Have I accepted my circumstances? Have I forgiven myself for ‘jeopardizing my future’? Sometimes I think I have. But a lot of times, when I’m alone sitting or browsing the internet or while reading a book or even when I’m in the shower, it just hit me like “I screwed this opportunity. I’ll regret this forever…”

If I don’t accept my current situations, will I EVER be able to move forward?. No. Never.

Nelson Mandela said;

“The Greatest Glory in living lies not in never failing, but in rising every time we fall”

Secondly is, now that you accept your ‘horrible fate’, it’s time to CHANGE all this.

Realize that you are capable of turning it all around. I don’t know why, but every time I read a relatable quotesnowadays feels like a sympathetic pat on the head. With a hammer.


“Every passing moment is a chance to turn it all around.” Bear that in mind.

So the change we are about to take must be more bold this time. More systematic. Dig deep inside you and muster all the courage, strength and faith in yourself that you never know have dwelt inside you.

Thomas Edison

The CHANGE we are talking here must take steps. Remember, all of this requires your own willingness and effort. It will be a challenge. It will test you. It will test us. And expect them to be there. Don’t be such a crybaby when obstacles come. Expect them and eat them at breakfast.

  1. Dream Big.

“You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.”                   –C.S. Lewis

Now, I’m going to make a pretty bold statement. Ready? Okay, here we go.

It’s okay not to be a Doctor. It’s okay if you grow up and not become an engineer. It’s okay if you are not in line to become a lawyer. It’s okay. The problem that we face in today’s society and most of our family’s expectations is this 3 most popular jobs, I suppose.

And if you dream of becoming something else, something you are very passionate about, then, go for it. You want to own a shop, you want to become an artist, you want to motivate other people, you want to be a rich businessman, you want to act, you want to teach people, go for it! Don’t hesitate because everybody else is insisting to get a “real job”!

Yuna Zarai have been in law school for 4 years. Did she turn up to be a lawyer? Or actually do anything with legal practice? No. She’s an artist now.

“It’s better that you work hard for something you love than doing something you’re not so passionate about” she said. –I heard it on the radio -,-

And then, you start to question yourself and you might want to question me; “How can I make money from that? How can you make a living doing something I love?”


  1. Realize, Believe and Have Faith

I know in the first point that it may sound “Easier said than done”. Hey, remember, I’m in the same phase as you are. I’m as scared as you are.

Now, realize that you can make out a living doing something you love. I have friends who are passionate in painting and drawing and she takes a diploma in arts. Negative, bullshit people will come forward and say with their negative, donkey’s mouth “What are you going to do with your life?”

Well, when she became the next Picasso, don’t be embarrassed to ask for her autograph.

Be confident of what you are capable of and what you can grasp. Don’t reject yourself before others got the chance to reject you.

Ellen Degeneres loves making other people laugh. And she makes out a living out of it.

Mariah Carey loves singing and she’s making millions doing what she truly loves.

James Cameron has passion in directing movies. He’s currently one of the most outstanding directors.

Ustaz Azhar Idrus is a religious Guru. He’s doing things he’s passionate about. And he’s very excellent at it.

J.K Rowling is a brilliant writer. Who would have not known what is Harry Potter, right?

See? In this society, not EVERYONE MUST BE A LAWYER, DOCTOR OR AN ENGINEER. All of the other professions, make up the society. If you really have something in your mind, GO FOR IT!

Me? I have never stopped dreaming about becoming a neurosurgeon since I was a little kid. But, growing up, I realize I have something that I love more. Writing. In my first year secondary school, I used to write stories (Ghost stories) in a book, and then I asked friends to read them and rate the childish, grammar-gone-wrong stories. At first it was a few of my friends, then it was spread to almost the whole batch. Even some of my seniors read my stories. It is awful though, when I look at them now, but back then, I really, really enjoyed it. I will not say that my parents don’t hope for me to be a doctor. Actually, almost all of my family members expect me to become a doctor. And they still do. But, now, I realize, I am passionate towards science, but I don’t want to make it a profession. I want to write. I have a passion for language. I dream of being a polyglot! (Multilingualism)

And telling your parents is not the easiest step either. But, you must tell them. Make them understand. Know your plans for the future. Then, tell them your plans. Every parent wants the best for their child. I bravely told my mom that I want to write. To my astonishment, she encourages me to go for it!

Any field you want to pursue, my mom always remind me of this.

Be a DIAMOND that shine among the rocks. “Shine bright like a diamond” Rihanna said. And yes I know, “DIAMOND don’t shine..” whatever. You get my point, right?

Every single person in your field is doing the same thing, but if you really want to be successful in your field, be the best of them. Every singer sings, but those who worked really hard to improve their music, their voice, their publicity will prevail in their carrier.

And when I be the next J.K. Rowling, yes, I don’t mind if you come up to me to ask for an autograph. Just ask! hehehe XD

  1. The 3-finger-step


So, What is your goal? If you want to be a doctor, then that’s your goal. Be clear of what you want and how you want them to happen. Make it Happen.

Second, GET A PLAN

So the plan is…

Isolate the problem, calculate a suitable encounter, and institute the work.

Whatever your plan is, make sure you think every possibility and every flaw.

Okay. Here’s a scenario.

Mike failed his foundation studies. So, he can either take the supplementary exams to at least pass his foundation studies or he can apply for a diploma. He dreamed about becoming a doctor. A surgeon. He can take the supplementary exams, but with his current pointer, he may not get a course in medical studies. He may also apply for the diploma, but he’s afraid that this way, he’ll still be in university when all his friends have graduated. What should he do?

I don’t know what step would Mike prefer, but if he really wanted to become a doctor, I’ll suggest that he takes that diploma. I’ll explain why.

I know some of us failed and need to take the supplementary exams. If you are up to it, then do it. And this time, give your very best. Now, let’s pass with flying crayons! I mean, colors -_-‘

If you want to apply for a diploma, then, why not? If you feel embarrassed, then don’t be. You are not alone. A lot of people even finish their degree in their late 30’s, 40’s, there’s even a grandma that finish her degree in her golden years. Being late is not something we should be ashamed of. It’s just that we are not being like everybody else, but hey, being like everyone else is boring. In the end, you’ll get a degree, just like everyone else did.

Don’t be afraid. Just go for it!


Planning, but doing nothing yields.. Well, NOTHING. So, calculate your plans well and then, let’s get to work.

Remember, taking the first step of everything is always the hardest. Harder than organic chemistry, indeed.

  1. Have faith

There’s a comfort in prayer. The Creator knows what’s best. He put every single one of us to become His humble servant and He made us to become somebody. And it’s also your choice! Just keep your faith. Maybe this failure is a reminder to me and to you too. Maybe we went astray, forgetting Him. Or maybe He knows that this is what we need to make us work harder, to be better.

Pray that He Lead you to the right path. Or maybe because of that too much of playing Dota. Or too much of late night Korean Dramas (Guilty). Or maybe too much sleeping during lecture. Or maybe… the list goes on and on…


Surah 40. Al-Mu’min, Ayah 60

And your Lord says: “Call on Me; I will answer your (Prayer): But those who are too arrogant to serve Me will surely find themselves in Hell in humiliation!”


Don’t pray that He will save you from all of the obstacles. Pray that you’ll be strong enough to face them, when they come to you.

Your circumstance may be A Blessing In Diguise.

The more challenge you face, the stronger you become.

“Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles he has overcome.” –Booker T. Washington.

z152Shield Bug 325 09-14-11 with LR Edits with quote with lots of textures low res




Finally, I’m not saying all of this because I have succeeded. I’m in the same shoes as all of you, remember? Well, the “Chosen Ones”, of course. But I am working step by step to it. Making small changes before I change big time. If you are afraid of your own future, then you are not alone. Every morning I wake up, I force myself to motivate myself, and pray to Allah that I have peace in my mind. Sometimes, (I mentioned already above) that I cried to think that I have no future. Sometimes, I wish that I would just wake up from this nightmare. I would cuddle to my mom just to whisper “I’m scared..” like a  helpless, pathetic, ugly, disgusting, loathsome, petty, pitiful, little girl. -..-

Yes, I exaggerated on that part too. Obviously :p

Last but not least, (gosh, this is turning into an essay) I listened to this song over and over again. The lyrics just touched me in the heart. I suggest you have a listen as well.

“..I can make it through the rain,

I can stand up once again, on my own,

And I know that I’m strong enough to mend,

And EVERYTIME I feel afraid,


And I live one more day,

And I’ll make it through the rain..”

Mariah Carey, “Through The Rain”


Good luck in life. And please pray for me as well. Ahhh… yes, I won’t forget my promise to give you my autograph later. When I’m the next J.K. Rowling XD


 Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again? Let me know you’re alive by leaving comments! 🙂

p/s: I’m not saying you should give up your dreams of becoming a doctor/lawyer/engineer =. =’


Posted by on May 16, 2014 in #Tips, All my life!, HaRsH ReALitY!


Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Cat attacks bunny, bunny responds by nailing cat

Leave a comment

Posted by on May 6, 2014 in Uncategorized


My Fatherless Life

My Fatherless Life

Hello to All Fellow readers! How did you survived without me? It must be hard.

I know. I’ve been not writing whatsoever for A Very Long Time. Let me get this straight.

A very, very long time. Well, I was busy with… to be frank, nothing. I was just lazy as a donkey.


Me, those past weeks

you can bet I looked like that this past weeks.


  It's the frickin' internet which I don't have for quite 
                          some time.


I’ve been meaning to write about this part of my life. And if you were wondering, yes, I have been living my life ‘Fatherless’.

Technically my father is still alive though, my parents were divorced since I was 5.


To be truthful, I never actually have fun memories of my father, being actually there growing up. We met often, (not so often actually) of course, after blistering of mad and angry phone calls by mother. And by then, I thought, it’s basically normal. Not such a big deal to see adults fight.


I remembered when I was in kindergarden or Primary 1 when it was time to fill out documents (I don’t really sure what they were because I don’t give a damn about it by the time) and one of my teachers asked me about my dad.


“You live with your mom and dad?” They asked.


“No. I live mother only. My dad live somewhere else” I said bluntly.


“So they are divorced?” -_- and I was like ‘What the hell is “divorced”? ‘ by that time.


And the moment I went back home, I asked my mommy. And she said “Yes. Divorced, honey.”


Since I was this innocent and bashful little child to even ask, I just go with it. Just live with the fact my parents are divorced. I swear, I thought being divorced is fun. You get to live on your own, and enjoy life with your kids.

And I never would have dreamed to have a dad/ by that time, “daddy” was just a man I know had married my mother a very long time ago.


My mom seemed to enjoy being divorced. (she wasn’t actually) So do I and my brother. (we were and still are :p )


When I was older, (Before I went to high school) I always wish my mom would somehow remarry my dad. I don’t wish for he same thing to happen today though. Not in a million years.

I know what my dad were like when I was little.

He’s not actually a bad man, really. He does not hit my mom. Because if he did, he’d literally be killed by mom and will be feeded to the dogs. Seriously. But he’s not around while I was growing up. When Elvin was growing up. And that’s his lost. Not us.

Honestly, there’s a lot of things in this family that I found out by my own. And I know why my mom doesn’t really talks about it.


My mom doesn’t want me to be like in those movies where the mother finally says “You’re adopted” or “You are actually not a human” ( I made that one up, obviously) and the child went off crazy, crying like hell and then turn into a gorilla. (I made that one up too)  And because my mind were matured really quick at a very young age, I asked questions to know what or how their marriage fall apart and finally, I gathered all the pieces together. Like a jigsaw puzzle.


And I enjoyed doing that.


If I ever asked WHY they ever decided to file for a divorce, my mommy will always say “We were not meant to be together for a long time”


after long lines of curses and swears to my dad, 
of course. -,-


So? How does living FATHERLESS affected my life?


An obvious affects on me that I always notice is that it scares the hell out of me to meet someone’s dad. It’s always awkward to talk to male adults. My mom have a lot of friends, and maybe 70% of them are female. And that’s why I get along with girls so much. Because I was raised by my mom and aunts.


I learnt to talk with girls and to actually think like one. Well, I’ve always got the girls’ perspective.

And I would not say I’m girly, I would say I’m more touched to my feminine side. Or so everyone told me. -_-


SOMETIMES I feel like my life were inadequate. Like there’s a hole in my heart that’s never filled. Maybe it’s “father’s” love or whatever bullshit I think it is, but truly, something is missing. I’m giving  credit  to my mother 99% of my life, though, because she’s always been there in my life.


When I needed her. When I need someone to talk to.


And I know she have been trying so hard, working like dog, just to make sure My brother and I have the best things in life.


The best clothes. The best shoes. The best gadjets. The best food. The best lives.


And because of that I’m very grateful to be blessed with such mother. A strong, independent, will kick-you-in-the-ass-if-you-mess-with-her-or-her-kids woman.


Even so, she could not provide things like man-talk or you know, things we talk with our dad. But I think if my dad is around, I wouldn’t talk about manly stuff either. -_- so, it’s a no-one-benefit situation.


Once, I literally forced myself o cry because I don’t have a father. Because I thought my father never loved me. I know.. I mentioned above that I don’t care. And I did. But when I was 16 and was waiting for my mom to pick Elvin and I from hostel, I noticed a lot of my friends have their dad and mother picking them up.


By then, I thought “What it’s like to have a dad?”


and then I tried to create a melodramatic moment in my big head. Trying to imagine that I was a kid that never had a dad. (well, technically I am) and yes, I did cried. And then I thought, hey, I’ve been living 16 years without dad (technically), why the hell am I crying now? This is so not right!


And since that, I was determined that I will never want to see my dad. For the first time in my life, I actually tell myself to hate my dad. And I did. I hated him. I know I sound like a pissed off son and yes. I was. I actually prevailed in not meeting him for a year!


Well, he rarely called, that’s for starters.

But when he did called or show up at the school to meet me. I made up excuses. I prevailed 2 times actually. The third one can’t be helped because my dad were literally begged to see me. Well, he didn’t “begged” but you know.. let’s spice up the story a little.


The first attempt was not a big challenge. I was in my room and I did not know that he was waiting. =.= (Even if I did know, I’m sure I would not come anyway)


The second attempt is even easy. I was not there. And that was it. Easy.


Well the third time, he actually saw me. And asked one of my friend to call me. I rejected, of course, I told my friend to tell him I am absent. Not there. I was adamant not to see him. Not in a million years, I would probably swear.


But then I did. I need his blessings in life after all. After my friends persuaded me and after a long war inside myself and conscience, of course.

 And I’m glad I did. Thank you Allah.


Maybe the biggest affect I guess is how I view on love life and ‘True Love’ dog-ass bullshit. I never lived with a dad, and I don’t know how one supposed to be a father. How will he “lead the family” and all of that fatherly crap. I never lived long enough with a married couple with kids. My grandparents, even though I lived with them, will always be an exception because they were always there while I’m growing up.


What my point really saying is.. that I‘m afraid IF I may end up divorced like my parents did. Frankly, living with one parent is FUN. I would never dream living my childhood any other way. Even though I know it’s hard on my mom, but living fatherless have also made its toll on my brother and I. We bonded so strong, as if we were twins.


But now, I wish there is a man in my mother’s life. Someone who can take care of her, love her and complement her life. I’m afraid if I’m not around, if Elvin is not around, that she may need someone there to talk to, to have a shoulder to cry on, to have someone to hug and comfort her. And I wish my mom would marry someone.


Then, why is she still not married until this day?


Because she thought of us. My brother and I.


“If I’m going to marry a guys, he is going to marry all of us..”


“I can find and change man anytime I want, but I can’t replace both of you”


“I’m always scared that both of you would wake up one day and feel empty, living without your dad”


“Whoever and how bad he is, He is still your dad. Love and respect him.”

-My Mother-


and I guess, because of that she’s still not married until this day. Or the Right Man is not here yet.


One thing I have to be clear is that. I don’t hate my father. At least not anymore. I just pity him though. He missed the one of best years of his life. My childhood. Elvin’s childhood. And I don’t know if I ever will love him to the extend of a “deeper connection”.

Maybe not. Ever. I’m 19 now. 19 years of my-father-was-not-there time. And yes, I’m still a bit pissed off, and I don’t care about it anymore.

As I said, it’s his lost.


And I still, deep in my heart, love him.



(unless they are really, really a donkey-ass)

Thank you Allah for this 4 blessings in my life :

  1. Ismuna Binti Mustapa (World’s Best Mother)
  2. Elvin Adham (World’s Best Brother)
  3. Daniel Azwan (Your Awesome Servant) 🙂
  4. Priceless (My iPhone) XD


yours truly, 

Daniel Azwan


Tags: , , , , , ,

No April Fool Day in Islam

No April Fool Day in Islam

🙂 there’s REASON behind EVERYTHING

ISLAM---World's Greatest Religion!

In The name of Allah,The Most Merciful,The Most graciousNo April Fool Day in Islam

View original post 134 more words

Leave a comment

Posted by on April 2, 2014 in Uncategorized


Bitch get your own seeds

hahaha. that’s right. find your own, bitch!

Things Could Be Worse

bitch get your own seeds

View original post

Leave a comment

Posted by on April 2, 2014 in Uncategorized


Me and PMS

Me and PMS

Assalamualaikum and hey yo fellow readers! (and my special love to all of my Followers!)

yeah. I know. Where have I been missing these days? I mean, for almost 4 months I guess?


Well, I’m one of The Most Busiest Person Alive. Trust me. Check it on the Guiness’ Book of Records. I’m dubbed as one. I’m busy with Studying, Sleeping, Playing Games, Chatting, Facebooking, Stalking other People’s Twitter and Facebook, Sleeping (Yes, I do that A lot nowadays), stressing out.. well, just like my normal life lahh.

Yes! One more thing, do you know that Guys have PMS (Pre-Menstrual Syndrome) just like females as well? You know, it’s the time of the month where the girls actually become The Incredible Hulk or Crybabies?


Girls during PMS



Yeah, I’ve been  experiencing that A lot lately. Like seriously, A LOT.

I can be like…

“Hey! Let’s go for a walk!” *Very cheerful* (*^_^*)

“I’m sad! and I don’t frickin‘ know WHY!!!! 😥 ” *The VERY NEXT MINUTE

and after months of experiencing this, with all the stressful status on Facebook, the Vulgar tweets.. I finally come to a conclusion!

Guys have PMS after all. -_- 


and it's not the most fun thing to deal with either.

So, A LOT of things have been running in my head nowadays.


What I should be in the future?

What kind of Life I want?

Should I take Law or Linguistics or Science?

Why is he so frickin’ ANNOYING? *Yes, you know I’m talking to you..


Why is “That Person” so freaking Cute?? :3


How can I increase my cuteness? :3

I sometimes feel wanna cry when I hear a sad song 😥

Why is chemistry and physics like hannjjinngg?? *sorry for the vulgars, people

I feel I’m CRAZY nowadays.

Yeah. I’m PMSING

yeah.. A LOT. Well, it’s what most people think, I guess. 

prepare to meet satan

I know I mentioned that I want to be neurosurgeon before.. But, deep inside my heart told me that it’s not my calling. Not “My Thing” you could say.

So I guess, now I’m searching!

Law- because I don’t practically love THE LAW but I like debates, I like thinking analytically, logically and well, it’s The Law, what more                 can I say?

Linguistics- I have always loved learning Language and I notice that I can catch up very quickly when it comes to learning a                                            Language. Well, not like THAT QUICK but you know. It’s more natural than I have to bash my brain learning science and                              Math.

Science-      I loved science and I love learning them, but… you know.. I’m at the edge of it. I want to take it.. BUT…

So that’s probably my biggest, fattest, most fearful DILEMMA these days. I’m afraid that I would end up with a course that I’m not so passionate about, It’s not that I’m being PICKY but it’s MY LIFE. MY FUTURE. I WANT TO END UP DOING SOMETHING THAT I ENJOY. And not something that I can’t give all MY HEARTS INTO IT. Rightttt???

Anyway, it’s been centuries since I last updated. So, I’m sorry to keep all of you waiting.. *I know.. Nobody even notice I was gone =_=”

I’ll make sure that I update more this time !




Tags: , , , ,

%d bloggers like this: