Dammit, I really screwed up!!

21 Sep
Dammit, I really screwed up!!

Have you ever, in your whole life, screwed up really bad, that it seemed impossible to get back up?

Have you ever felt that the whole world has turned against you, and everything, EVERYTHING seemed not right??

“Have you ever thought that life is NOT the place where you have the pretty rainbows and lollipops? Instead, it’s a CRUEL, DARK and COLD pit that’s going to hunt you down and hit you to a pulp??”

Have you ever been in that place?

I have, and I am 😦

You see, I have a BIG, GIGANTIC dream to become a surgeon. Exactly, a brain surgeon. I receive some supportive feedbacks from some people, and also some backstabbing, underestimation and simply heart-breaking words from others. Whatever they wanted to say, I’ll just keep saying, “Shut the F up, and let me keep my dreams!!”

So after all these times, I have never really done anything in this amazing blog (so far, I lost like all of my readers.. 😦 ) It’s because all of the University’s work, assignments and, well, this thing called LIFE.

So how’s my life so far?? Well to be frank, it’s like being ungrateful or anything, oh, what the heck, let me  just tell the truth. Every time I feel more like a piece of worthless @#$%%%^%..

You see, I don’t really know what is happening to me, my body, my soul, my mind, or anything. I feel like I’m losing it. Yeah, you can say I’m crazy, well guess what, you got an A+ for that for sure!

I’m not happy here, seriously, not happy. I may be laughing now and then, I may be smiling while hearing Mariah Carey’s songs and also may be laughing hard while watching my favorite animes or even The Nanny and How I Met Your Mother, the real-honest truth is, I’m not, very much not Happy.

I felt like I have this big boulder on my shoulder, a big hole in my soul. There’s something not right here. I seek my answer to God, and I know very much that I was the trouble here. God has shown me the way, and my lazy butt and my feeling of scared of the real world have pushed me to the option. Instead, I keep on my “safe-zone” and only keeping my feelings bottled up and thus, making me feeling more lost than ever.

I’m having trouble with my studies, and I am going to act like a man and say this out loud, No, it’s not because of the mixed-up feelings that’s bottled up inside me, it’s because of my laziness and my unmotivated spirit. Some of my friends here, (I hope they are not reading this, but if you are, I’m very sorry), they view me as this (well, what I think they are thinking about me) boy who’s well, very peaceful, very “cool” to say, because whenever there is a problem, like well, worth-panicking about, I can act very cool about it, Yes, that’s one of my most annoying traits.

The truth is guys, I’m not that cool. That only happens when I’m in this “I don’t care a single thing about it” mood. Maybe some of you might think, “Okay, the internet has brought me to a crazy-blogger land” well, you got an A+ for that too.

Because right now, I’m losing it.

It’s true I didn’t pray hard enough, it’s true, that I think I’m not that sincere to perform my prayer, and maybe that’s what’s holding me back.. I really needed someone who I can talk to, so maybe I can talk to my mom. Well, I called her like many times, and some of the feelings just won’t wash off. Have you ever called your mom, and hoping that, I don’t know, I just hope she understands me and that you only realized that even that won’t save the problem?? It’s not like she wouldn’t help, but whenever I hear her voice, I just feel like I can’t say these things to her. I know I have to deal with this alone.

And that’s what I’m feeling now, ALONE.

So life as a Foundation student isn’t as hard as I think it was. All you have to do is study, eat healthily, do all your assignments, and well, pass the exams. It’s this sick system that’s just won’t get through my system. I know I sound like a rebellious teenager, well, that’s exactly what I’m feeling right now,


I don’t know what to be in life, I can’t see my life in the next 5 years, I don’t what I should do. I have this final exam next week, and I don’t know if I can pass this exam. I’m DOUBTING myself. My mother always said to me to “Always believe myself” and “Never ever give up” and instead, I’m doing all of the opposites.

This may be hard to understand, and maybe some of you also may experience the same thing in the past or even now, but I’m having a hard time growing up. So stressed out, I’m eating A LOT THAN USUAL, Yes, it’s not like a normal LOT but this is seriously A LOT.

I woke up this morning and I was thinking, hey you know what? I want to smoke!

And I found myself walking in the garden, on my quest to “figure out who I am”. Then I was thinking about going to my friend’s room to smoke.

 But of course, I have not. Yet.

I’m really stressed out, and the only thing I want to do right now is talking about my problems to somebody.

And yes, I lost some of my AWESOMENESS 😦


Posted by on September 21, 2013 in HaRsH ReALitY!


Tags: ,

18 responses to “Dammit, I really screwed up!!

  1. effa

    September 21, 2013 at 8:07 pm

    dannny dont smoke please .

  2. suraya

    September 21, 2013 at 10:05 pm

    DANIEL AZWAN BIN IBRAHIM….. everything will be alright… we always can fight back if we nearly to stabbed by swords. we always stand back if we fall… we always succeed after the failure… remember.. we’ve been through the failure, the give up moments, the crying moments, the stand-alone moments… this road we choose may not the road we like very much.. but we have to go through it… oke… ;D you are strong enough to fight

    • Daniel Azwan

      September 22, 2013 at 1:19 am

      yeah I thought so.. but now.. I don’t know.. just don’t know

  3. nadine

    September 22, 2013 at 5:31 pm

    Smoke can’t solve the problem, buddy. I always pray 4 all of us… Be strong. Everything will be alright. I also feel what u feel.

  4. rose

    September 23, 2013 at 9:39 am

    I feel you. I’m also a foundation student and I too feel very unmotivated and lazy being one. I’ve thought about smoking, but I thought that it was not enough. So yeah I’ve actually thought of killing myself to ease out my parents burden on wasting another damn cent on their useless child and stop burdening my friends also.

    • Daniel Azwan

      September 23, 2013 at 4:53 pm

      thank you.. it’s hard right?? But, I talked to my friend recently, and the thing is, DON’T GIVE UP NOW.
      An amazing quote I once heard is “Winning is one second of patience”
      So be strong, I’m saying this not just for you, it for me too. Especially myself.
      Life is not everything easy right??
      So let’s keep our faith in god and remember, “God will never burden you more than you are capable of”
      God knows we are much more than this.
      High pressure is how diamonds are made, right?? 🙂
      So, let’s be strong!

      • Liz Rose

        September 23, 2013 at 5:32 pm

        Yeah. You are right. Wow. I actually thought I was the only one. Yeah. Let’s be strong! 🙂

      • Daniel Azwan

        September 23, 2013 at 6:30 pm

        I thought the same thing! 🙂

  5. Unknown Stranger

    September 23, 2013 at 1:35 pm

    Aku tahu aku tak kenal kau dan kau tak kenal aku.
    Tapi, bila aku baca apa yang kau tulis tuh, aku cuma boleh kata
    “Weh, ramai lagi pelajar asasi rasa benda yang sama cam apa yang kau rasa.”
    Aku, boleh kata almost all the time rasa macam tuh. Aku dapat masuk asasi pun dengan result 6a je, dan serious, aku rasa macam tak layak ambik asasi dan aku rasa aku nih bodoh.
    Tapi, aku tak rasa ini alasan untuk aku start buat benda-II yang tak sepatutnya.
    Apa yang aku nampak, kau dah PUTUS harap pada tuhan kau. weh, kau tak yah nak gedik sangat lah, kau dah tahu apa yang kau kena buatkan? nak apa lagi? ALLAH takkan uji hambanya dengan benda yang dia tak mampu buat. baru stress sikit nak buat benda yg xpatut pulak. lembik. Tak hairanlah kalau kau fail.

    • Blastoise

      September 25, 2013 at 7:57 pm

      I know you’re just want to motivate and advice him but not in that manner… I know you’re muslim and I’am muslim either.. but seriously that guy called daniel really need help from us to save him from the agony of the abyss..if u know what I mean actually… Rasulullah S.A.W also taught us to advice people nicely and properly (Nasehah Bilhikmah)… no need to screwed up his weak point..You’re just making him down…

  6. Unknown Stranger

    September 23, 2013 at 1:47 pm
    hope it will motivate you. and sorry untuk bahasa kasar aku. 🙂

    • Daniel Azwan

      September 23, 2013 at 4:55 pm

      Thank you for the comment 🙂
      Sorry for any inconvenience:(

  7. HamBa IlaHi

    September 25, 2013 at 10:30 am

    Assalamualaikum…hei daniel,.before anything , read this link..—>………saya bukan tak nak untuk cuba faham situasi kau, namun as you know, saya belum lagi start study, so i don’t know the feeling.sorry .that first point…second, i think i know the solution, aku dah experiment dah dengan diri aku ni…okay, tiap2 hari aku mau kau cuba mengaji..even satu hari satu muka surat pun jadilah…kira okay sudah tu..yang penting, kau kena istiqomah dalam suatu tempoh, terpulang sebulan ka dua bulan ka…it’s your choice…third..smoking?..really i don’t think so, shouldn’t do that..believe me that there’s are people that being tested by ALLAH more than what you being tested,,get what i mean?..4-..cerita dengan manusia memang tak best seolah2..kita nak cerita dengan semua orang, ya, aku bukan siapa2, aku tak kenal kau mcm kawan2 kau kenal kau..but, i know who is the best listener…ALLAH…HE is the best listener ever, ya, maybe you might say….ALLAH kan MAHA MENGETAHUI, buat apa cerita dengan ALLAH…you know what?..ALLAH rindu dengar rintihan hambaNYA…sebab tu , kadang2 ujian yang ALLAH bagi tu, mencabar keimanan…5-but, if need a friend to hear your story jugak, i can be, insyaallah i try my best to be a good listener…6-sorry sangat2 membebel…aku tak sampai hati nak marah kau pasal kau nak start smoking, sebab i totally don’t know what’s going on…but, SERIOUSLY..NEVER EVER START smoking,,,,because it will effect many things, as well as, your health,,don’t you ever think?…that smoking will damage your lungs?..takkan kau nak rosakkan salah satu nikmat yang ALLAH bagi semata-mata lepaskan tekanan?..takkan la kan?..sekali lagi, i not really know you like your friend know you…so, just saying,,,apa2 pun, jgn PUTUS ASA dengan ALLAH..”jika ada nikmat yang dirasakan hilang, bersyukurlah dengan nikmat yang belum hilang”…minta maaf, minta ampun, komen aku teramat panjang, yg kompem kau pun malas baca, but,..for you info, i just want to help you..k? jgn lupa senyum tahu..

    • Daniel Azwan

      September 26, 2013 at 2:47 pm

      Thanks 🙂 I’m really down now and your comment really is helping.. saya x malas bacala… trima kasi tau

      • HamBa IlaHi

        September 27, 2013 at 5:31 pm

        Most welcome, for your info, there’s someone out there pernah rasa ‘ it’s better i die than live’ , but she now strong and ‘ tekad’ takkan putus asa sampai cakap mcm tu lagi, know you what? The person is me…tak percaya kan. But it is, don’t say you start smoke, k? As a friend whom barely know you, i beg you, don’t start k? Well, itu je kot, remember if you need to talk to, i ready to hear but in islam it quite right la kan….that’s why aku bantu cara lain…^^,


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