Have you ever, in your whole life, screwed up really bad, that it seemed impossible to get back up?
Have you ever felt that the whole world has turned against you, and everything, EVERYTHING seemed not right??
“Have you ever thought that life is NOT the place where you have the pretty rainbows and lollipops? Instead, it’s a CRUEL, DARK and COLD pit that’s going to hunt you down and hit you to a pulp??”
Have you ever been in that place?
I have, and I am 😦
You see, I have a BIG, GIGANTIC dream to become a surgeon. Exactly, a brain surgeon. I receive some supportive feedbacks from some people, and also some backstabbing, underestimation and simply heart-breaking words from others. Whatever they wanted to say, I’ll just keep saying, “Shut the F up, and let me keep my dreams!!”
So after all these times, I have never really done anything in this amazing blog (so far, I lost like all of my readers.. 😦 ) It’s because all of the University’s work, assignments and, well, this thing called LIFE.
So how’s my life so far?? Well to be frank, it’s like being ungrateful or anything, oh, what the heck, let me just tell the truth. Every time I feel more like a piece of worthless @#$%%%^%..
You see, I don’t really know what is happening to me, my body, my soul, my mind, or anything. I feel like I’m losing it. Yeah, you can say I’m crazy, well guess what, you got an A+ for that for sure!
I’m not happy here, seriously, not happy. I may be laughing now and then, I may be smiling while hearing Mariah Carey’s songs and also may be laughing hard while watching my favorite animes or even The Nanny and How I Met Your Mother, the real-honest truth is, I’m not, very much not Happy.
I felt like I have this big boulder on my shoulder, a big hole in my soul. There’s something not right here. I seek my answer to God, and I know very much that I was the trouble here. God has shown me the way, and my lazy butt and my feeling of scared of the real world have pushed me to the option. Instead, I keep on my “safe-zone” and only keeping my feelings bottled up and thus, making me feeling more lost than ever.
I’m having trouble with my studies, and I am going to act like a man and say this out loud, No, it’s not because of the mixed-up feelings that’s bottled up inside me, it’s because of my laziness and my unmotivated spirit. Some of my friends here, (I hope they are not reading this, but if you are, I’m very sorry), they view me as this (well, what I think they are thinking about me) boy who’s well, very peaceful, very “cool” to say, because whenever there is a problem, like well, worth-panicking about, I can act very cool about it, Yes, that’s one of my most annoying traits.
The truth is guys, I’m not that cool. That only happens when I’m in this “I don’t care a single thing about it” mood. Maybe some of you might think, “Okay, the internet has brought me to a crazy-blogger land” well, you got an A+ for that too.
Because right now, I’m losing it.
It’s true I didn’t pray hard enough, it’s true, that I think I’m not that sincere to perform my prayer, and maybe that’s what’s holding me back.. I really needed someone who I can talk to, so maybe I can talk to my mom. Well, I called her like many times, and some of the feelings just won’t wash off. Have you ever called your mom, and hoping that, I don’t know, I just hope she understands me and that you only realized that even that won’t save the problem?? It’s not like she wouldn’t help, but whenever I hear her voice, I just feel like I can’t say these things to her. I know I have to deal with this alone.
And that’s what I’m feeling now, ALONE.
So life as a Foundation student isn’t as hard as I think it was. All you have to do is study, eat healthily, do all your assignments, and well, pass the exams. It’s this sick system that’s just won’t get through my system. I know I sound like a rebellious teenager, well, that’s exactly what I’m feeling right now,
A REBELLIOUS TEENAGER.
I don’t know what to be in life, I can’t see my life in the next 5 years, I don’t what I should do. I have this final exam next week, and I don’t know if I can pass this exam. I’m DOUBTING myself. My mother always said to me to “Always believe myself” and “Never ever give up” and instead, I’m doing all of the opposites.
This may be hard to understand, and maybe some of you also may experience the same thing in the past or even now, but I’m having a hard time growing up. So stressed out, I’m eating A LOT THAN USUAL, Yes, it’s not like a normal LOT but this is seriously A LOT.
I woke up this morning and I was thinking, hey you know what? I want to smoke!
And I found myself walking in the garden, on my quest to “figure out who I am”. Then I was thinking about going to my friend’s room to smoke.
But of course, I have not. Yet.
I’m really stressed out, and the only thing I want to do right now is talking about my problems to somebody.