Hello to All Fellow readers! How did you survived without me? It must be hard.
I know. I’ve been not writing whatsoever for A Very Long Time. Let me get this straight.
A very, very long time. Well, I was busy with… to be frank, nothing. I was just lazy as a donkey.
you can bet I looked like that this past weeks.
It's the frickin' internet which I don't have for quite some time.
I’ve been meaning to write about this part of my life. And if you were wondering, yes, I have been living my life ‘Fatherless’.
Technically my father is still alive though, my parents were divorced since I was 5.
To be truthful, I never actually have fun memories of my father, being actually there growing up. We met often, (not so often actually) of course, after blistering of mad and angry phone calls by mother. And by then, I thought, it’s basically normal. Not such a big deal to see adults fight.
I remembered when I was in kindergarden or Primary 1 when it was time to fill out documents (I don’t really sure what they were because I don’t give a damn about it by the time) and one of my teachers asked me about my dad.
“You live with your mom and dad?” They asked.
“No. I live mother only. My dad live somewhere else” I said bluntly.
“So they are divorced?” -_- and I was like ‘What the hell is “divorced”? ‘ by that time.
And the moment I went back home, I asked my mommy. And she said “Yes. Divorced, honey.”
Since I was this innocent and bashful little child to even ask, I just go with it. Just live with the fact my parents are divorced. I swear, I thought being divorced is fun. You get to live on your own, and enjoy life with your kids.
And I never would have dreamed to have a dad/ by that time, “daddy” was just a man I know had married my mother a very long time ago.
My mom seemed to enjoy being divorced. (she wasn’t actually) So do I and my brother. (we were and still are :p )
When I was older, (Before I went to high school) I always wish my mom would somehow remarry my dad. I don’t wish for he same thing to happen today though. Not in a million years.
I know what my dad were like when I was little.
He’s not actually a bad man, really. He does not hit my mom. Because if he did, he’d literally be killed by mom and will be feeded to the dogs. Seriously. But he’s not around while I was growing up. When Elvin was growing up. And that’s his lost. Not us.
Honestly, there’s a lot of things in this family that I found out by my own. And I know why my mom doesn’t really talks about it.
My mom doesn’t want me to be like in those movies where the mother finally says “You’re adopted” or “You are actually not a human” ( I made that one up, obviously) and the child went off crazy, crying like hell and then turn into a gorilla. (I made that one up too) And because my mind were matured really quick at a very young age, I asked questions to know what or how their marriage fall apart and finally, I gathered all the pieces together. Like a jigsaw puzzle.
And I enjoyed doing that.
If I ever asked WHY they ever decided to file for a divorce, my mommy will always say “We were not meant to be together for a long time”
after long lines of curses and swears to my dad, of course. -,-
So? How does living FATHERLESS affected my life?
An obvious affects on me that I always notice is that it scares the hell out of me to meet someone’s dad. It’s always awkward to talk to male adults. My mom have a lot of friends, and maybe 70% of them are female. And that’s why I get along with girls so much. Because I was raised by my mom and aunts.
I learnt to talk with girls and to actually think like one. Well, I’ve always got the girls’ perspective.
And I would not say I’m girly, I would say I’m more touched to my feminine side. Or so everyone told me. -_-
SOMETIMES I feel like my life were inadequate. Like there’s a hole in my heart that’s never filled. Maybe it’s “father’s” love or whatever bullshit I think it is, but truly, something is missing. I’m giving credit to my mother 99% of my life, though, because she’s always been there in my life.
When I needed her. When I need someone to talk to.
And I know she have been trying so hard, working like dog, just to make sure My brother and I have the best things in life.
The best clothes. The best shoes. The best gadjets. The best food. The best lives.
And because of that I’m very grateful to be blessed with such mother. A strong, independent, will kick-you-in-the-ass-if-you-mess-with-her-or-her-kids woman.
Even so, she could not provide things like man-talk or you know, things we talk with our dad. But I think if my dad is around, I wouldn’t talk about manly stuff either. -_- so, it’s a no-one-benefit situation.
Once, I literally forced myself o cry because I don’t have a father. Because I thought my father never loved me. I know.. I mentioned above that I don’t care. And I did. But when I was 16 and was waiting for my mom to pick Elvin and I from hostel, I noticed a lot of my friends have their dad and mother picking them up.
By then, I thought “What it’s like to have a dad?”
and then I tried to create a melodramatic moment in my big head. Trying to imagine that I was a kid that never had a dad. (well, technically I am) and yes, I did cried. And then I thought, hey, I’ve been living 16 years without dad (technically), why the hell am I crying now? This is so not right!
And since that, I was determined that I will never want to see my dad. For the first time in my life, I actually tell myself to hate my dad. And I did. I hated him. I know I sound like a pissed off son and yes. I was. I actually prevailed in not meeting him for a year!
Well, he rarely called, that’s for starters.
But when he did called or show up at the school to meet me. I made up excuses. I prevailed 2 times actually. The third one can’t be helped because my dad were literally begged to see me. Well, he didn’t “begged” but you know.. let’s spice up the story a little.
The first attempt was not a big challenge. I was in my room and I did not know that he was waiting. =.= (Even if I did know, I’m sure I would not come anyway)
The second attempt is even easy. I was not there. And that was it. Easy.
Well the third time, he actually saw me. And asked one of my friend to call me. I rejected, of course, I told my friend to tell him I am absent. Not there. I was adamant not to see him. Not in a million years, I would probably swear.
But then I did. I need his blessings in life after all. After my friends persuaded me and after a long war inside myself and conscience, of course.
And I’m glad I did. Thank you Allah.
Maybe the biggest affect I guess is how I view on love life and ‘True Love’ dog-ass bullshit. I never lived with a dad, and I don’t know how one supposed to be a father. How will he “lead the family” and all of that fatherly crap. I never lived long enough with a married couple with kids. My grandparents, even though I lived with them, will always be an exception because they were always there while I’m growing up.
What my point really saying is.. that I‘m afraid IF I may end up divorced like my parents did. Frankly, living with one parent is FUN. I would never dream living my childhood any other way. Even though I know it’s hard on my mom, but living fatherless have also made its toll on my brother and I. We bonded so strong, as if we were twins.
But now, I wish there is a man in my mother’s life. Someone who can take care of her, love her and complement her life. I’m afraid if I’m not around, if Elvin is not around, that she may need someone there to talk to, to have a shoulder to cry on, to have someone to hug and comfort her. And I wish my mom would marry someone.
Then, why is she still not married until this day?
Because she thought of us. My brother and I.
“If I’m going to marry a guys, he is going to marry all of us..”
“I can find and change man anytime I want, but I can’t replace both of you”
“I’m always scared that both of you would wake up one day and feel empty, living without your dad”
“Whoever and how bad he is, He is still your dad. Love and respect him.”
and I guess, because of that she’s still not married until this day. Or the Right Man is not here yet.
One thing I have to be clear is that. I don’t hate my father. At least not anymore. I just pity him though. He missed the one of best years of his life. My childhood. Elvin’s childhood. And I don’t know if I ever will love him to the extend of a “deeper connection”.
Maybe not. Ever. I’m 19 now. 19 years of my-father-was-not-there time. And yes, I’m still a bit pissed off, and I don’t care about it anymore.
As I said, it’s his lost.
And I still, deep in my heart, love him.
AND I KNOW THERE ARE A LOT WHO HAVE WORSE ISSUE WITH THEIR PARENTS, AND I’M NOT SAYING MINE IS THE WORST. THERE ARE MORE SHITTY PARENTS OUT THERE. I’M GLAD MINE NOT SO MUCH.
I’VE LEARNED TO ACCEPT OUR PARENTS JUST THE WAY THEY ARE 🙂
(unless they are really, really a donkey-ass)
Thank you Allah for this 4 blessings in my life :
- Ismuna Binti Mustapa (World’s Best Mother)
- Elvin Adham (World’s Best Brother)
- Daniel Azwan (Your Awesome Servant) 🙂
- Priceless (My iPhone) XD